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Stupid Answers

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS: 

BOY : May I hold your hand? 
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.  

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!  
BOY : You love me...  

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
  BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?? 

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest. 
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple 
 
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever. 
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?? 

BOY : I love you and I could die for you! 
GIRL : How soon??  

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you! 
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??  

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? 
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
  
MAN : You remind me of the sea. 
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? 
MAN : NO, because you make me sick. 

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. 
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.  

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, 
Peter? 
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. 

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?" 
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".  

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?" 
Pupil : "The moon". 

Teacher : "Why?" 
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".  

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" 
Pupil : "A teacher"

4) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.  

5) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !" 
Sam : "It's a family tradition". 

Teacher : "What do you mean?" 
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher". 

Teacher : "What about your mother?" 
Sam : "She's a woman".  

6) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?" 
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".  

7) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" 
Student : "Brotherly love".  

8) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" 
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".  

9) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?" 
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
  
10) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" 
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."  

11) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. 
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?" 
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand." 


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Trivia time

 Bandana, a large often colorfully patterned handkerchief, is derived from the Hindustani 'bandhan' which signifies a primitive method of obtaining an effect in dyeing by typing up cloth in many places to form required patterns. The tying does not let the colors run into the patterns. The word may also have been derived from the Hindi word from 'bandhna', which means to tie or from the Sanskrit word 'badhnAti', meaning he ties.

   The name 'Asia' translates to mean "the land of the sunrise". The word is said to have been derived from Akkad, meaning "to go out, to rise", with respect to the rising of the sun.

   "Navigation" comes from the Sanskrit word "navgatih" meaning "nine motions" referring to the 9 transiting planets (excluding the outer planets), which were apparently used for navigation during the early times in India.

   The Arabic script, the second most used in the world, evolved from Nabataean Aramaic script. Aramaic was the language in which Jesus preached.

   Bihari is not a constitutionally recognized language of India. Even in Bihar, Hindi is the language used for educational and official matters. Bihari is actually the name of a group of three related languages—Bhojpuri, Maithili, and Magahi—spoken mainly in northeastern India in Bihar.

1650 is the approximate number of dialects in India. 18 languages are officially recognized by the Constitution of India. Bengali is the highest spoken Indian language in the world.

 The Tab key has its origins in days when typists wanted to type a table. They would end up wasting time through a lot of repetitive usage of the space bar and backspace key. To simplify this a bar was placed in the mechanism with a moveable lever for every position across the page. Thus evolved the tab key!

 Similar to Nostradamus in Europe, Sri Potluri Veerabrahmendra Swami composed "Kalagnanam" in Telugu, which recorded events of the past, present, and future!

   The Punjabi language has two official scripts, Gurmukhi and Shahmukhi. Gurmukhi is used mainly in India, and Shahmukhi is used mainly in Pakistan.

   Shudraka's "Mriccha Katika" was one of the earliest known Sanskrit plays in the post-Vedic Sanskrit age. It was remade into a 1984 Hindi movie called "Utsav" by Girish Karnad.


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Plan to policy

How shit happens....

When a new Plan was made at the top management level, it was - fairly enough -- decided to get feedback and comments on it from the entire organization, bottom-up. So the supervisors asked the shop-floor guys what they thought of it.

"It's a load of shit and it stinks!" the employees said.

And the Supervisors went unto their Department Heads and said "It's a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the Odor thereof." 

And the Department Heads went to their Managers, and said to them 

"It is a Container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." 

And the Managers went to their Director and said "It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength." 

And the Director went to the Vice President and said "It contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very Strong." 

And the Vice President went to the Executive Vice President and said "It promotes Growth, and it is very Powerful." 

And the Executive Vice President went to the President and said "This Powerful New Plan will actively promote the Growth and Efficiency of the System." 

And the President looked at the Plan and saw that it was Good 

And the Plan became Policy.

This is how shit happens in the corporate world!


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Some Definitions

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.


Etc.: A sign to make others believe,you know more than you actually do. 


Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test..


Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's. 


Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. 


Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 


Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. 


Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. 


Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feelingyou have never felt before. 


Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on. 


Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage .. 


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .


Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody beleives he got the biggest piece 




Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present...




Opportunists: One who starts having a bath when he/she accidently falls in a river ... 




Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either". 


College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing. 


Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY 


Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. 


Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet" 


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 


Divorce: Future tense of marriage.


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funaddict

 Hi Boss,  


                                                                       
People who do lots of work... 
            make lots of mistakes 


People who do less  work...   
           make less mistakes 


People  who do no work...   
           make no mistakes   


People who make no mistakes...   
           gets  promoted 


That's why I spend most of my time 
           sending e-mails  & playing games at work 
  
B'Coz I need a  promotion.


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Perfect story for all...

 Perfect story for all...

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. 
He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. 

The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. 

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. Then the dog shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. 

As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the Guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key." 

*Moral of the story: You may continue to exceed onlooker's expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations. It's dog's life after all...*


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Anecdote

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.


He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a  meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"


"You don't owe me anything," she replied "Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness." He said... "Then I thank you from my heart."


As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt; stronger physically,but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.


Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the
town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. >From that day he gave special attention to the case.


After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business
office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it,then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for
she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally, she looked, and something caught ; her attention on the side as She read these words.....


"Paid in full with one glass of milk." (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.


Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You,GOD, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."




"THE WORLD IS CREATED BY OUR OWN MINDS.   WHAT WE THINK, WE SEE OUTSIDE".



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Make Sense Reading this ...

Sardar comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine" He Write a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"

How do you recognize a Sardar in School, he is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.

Once a Sardhar was waking he had a gloves on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

A Sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and says Hello, how did you know I was here?"

There were 3 friends in an office. One was Tamil, one was Bengali and third was Sardar. They were past friends and used to eat their tiffins together. Once the Tamil said, "I just hate eating Idli everyday, if i find it again tomorrow i'm going to commit suicide" Bengali says "I hate Fish everyday, if i find it again i will also go to death." Panjabi says " Yes friends, i also want to get rid of Makai Di Roti. If i get it again in tiffin I'm going to join you for death."

Next day everybody find Same tiffin again and all of them go to the Office balcony and jump to death. After 6 months their wives meet and tamil one says. "It was too sad, if he had told me once that he wanted change in tiffin i would have done it." Bengali says the same.
Punjabi says " It's ok with both of you but My husband used to pack his tiffin himself......"

Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?" (What Happened, My Son?)

The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!)

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. 'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'


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Quotes from Vivekananda

Quotes from Vivekananda:


When I Asked God for Strength 
He Gave Me Difficult Situations to Face


When I Asked God for Brain & Brown 
He Gave Me Puzzles in Life to Solve


When I Asked God for Happiness 
He Showed Me Some Unhappy People


When I Asked God for Wealth 
He Showed Me How to Work Hard


When I Asked God for Favors 
He Showed Me Opportunities to Work Hard


When I Asked God for Peace 
He Showed Me How to Help Others


God Gave Me Nothing I Wanted 
He Gave Me Everything I Needed 
- Swami Vivekananda


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