I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal
Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.